It’s been six years. In some respects it does feel like six years have passed, yet some days the pain feels raw enough to be from yesterday. A song, a random thought, or even driving by a specific place or on a specific road can release a flood of tears.
Oddly enough, one of the clearest memories I have of that time is of sitting in the funeral home just staring out the window. Gene and the man were making arrangements and I sat quietly, fixated on the beautiful rhododendron just outside the window. There were bumblebees swarming around each bud. The man said or asked something and before Gene answered I turned and replied, “Look at all those bees.” It’s all I had. I was probably still in shock since just days prior I had been blissfully pregnant and now I was sitting in a funeral home making decisions for our baby boy.
Six years ago I was completely naïve about the miracle of pregnancy and birth. We decided we wanted to start a family and didn’t give it another thought. It never occurred to us that the journey to parenthood would be so full of heartbreak. To this day I cringe when someone proclaims their excitement to me with “I’m having a baby!” I think inside to myself, “No, you’re not. You are pregnant.” There is most definitely a difference. Having been pregnant three times, I got used to not having a baby. I was just always pregnant. I’m certainly happy for my friends who get pregnant and have babies. I just know from painful personal experience to not make any assumptions. You could say I’ve been hardened.
My life is certainly different now than it was in May 2005. The biggest change is that we have a healthy almost five-year-old running around our house singing, dancing, and playing teacher. I realize how much of a blessing Amelia is to our lives.
Where am I at now? I mourn for what could have been. I mourn for what I was teased with. I will never know the joy of birthing another baby. After Amelia was born I was never able to get pregnant again, not even with the help of modern medicine. She truly is a gift from God and we do treasure her each day.
Noah Michael Lowry, Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We’ll see you in Heaven someday dear son.